By slow degrees healing came. It sealed and healed, gaping wounds left by tragedy. The parts of myself that fled, leaving behind holes that I instinctively surrounded with a carapace of titanium and steel so that never again would I feel the shock of such horrific pain and betrayal. The part of my soul that held purity, trust, innocence, and wonder flew free and hid itself away. Over time, parts of me locked up more and more as betrayals and hurts continued on in an unceasing litany. The carapace became thicker and thicker and what was left inside was self disgust and revulsion, fear and rage, resentment and shame, and hate and grief. A slow descent began an internal debate: to be or not to be. That was the question.
The greatest courage was to allow a tiny opening and to offer that oh, so fragile trust in other human beings – to allow them to see all of me: beauty, pain, and ugliness and let them hold me through what felt like endless grief as I undertook the long journey of recovery of my whole self.
Soul retrievals, energy healing, and a lot of therapy, confronting myself and the difficult journey to change until I arrived at last the to the time and place I could answer that question: to be or not to be.
I finally embraced all of myself and now am able to say, I love, honor, accept, and respect myself, and feel that I would not change my life because it is what went into making me who I am today. My journey isn’t done, but it fills me with wonder, awe and gratitude. To live a life of meaning and purpose is to discover within value, strength, connection, and a deep joy.
Purpose motivates me.
Meaning connects me.
Both are a huge part of what makes my life worth living and increases my positivity even on dark days.
I write in part as a record: changes from what once was to what is now, but I also write for all of us who have suffered unaccountably painful childhoods that left us bloody, bruised, and battered – parts of us sheared away. We have had to put ourselves back together through perseverance and with an iron-will while still being willing to be completely and totally vulnerable and compassionate even in the face of everything that we underwent.
I write also to provide hope to others who have yet to take those first steps on the road to healing to show that it is possible, and I create art and poetry because I have finally found my voice and feel such overwhelming gratitude for all of the gifts and blessings that I have received along the way. To know myself so profoundly and to have discovered the enormous capacity we as human beings have to heal, evolve, and forgive are perhaps the greatest gifts.
Society and social norms are uncomfortable to say the least with the dive into dark and terribly painful experiences; yet, so many of us are survivors of abuse and neglect. It exists, and we exist, and we can heal into lightness of being and total freedom: transcendance.
A Truth So Bold
When all’s lost and comfort cold
When memory’s feelings a scold,
And when logic can’t bring into the fold,
A reason to stay, nothing present to hold,
Your thoughts contain a truth so bold:
When you truly choose you and leave a bad situation,
No exceptions, no excuses, no more disinformation.
When you finally find courage and your heart infuse
With spirit and a depth of determination, nothing to loose,
You discover hidden parts of you that are weak with disuse.
But with time and through healing, you begin to see less bruise
Of eyes and feelings. Tears dry, spirit strengthens; an infuse
Of might and comprehension of self compassion, no more abuse.
Look close, heal, truth reveals. Seek and redeem
Your strengths: inner Warrior, Goddess, and Queen.
No More Shame
Painful memories and emotional dissonance given form,
The body disembowels that which makes the soul deform.
On minds, bodies, and emotions unconscionable acts performed.
Innocence riven, driven to hide atrocities in defense: conformed.
Traumatic suffering – perpetrators ensure unending silence
With poisonous words and sibilant threats that bespeak violence.
Years go by and memories so deeply buried – spirit’s defeat
Until a new situation gives rise and buried emotions beat.
Rage, righteous anger, hatred, fear, and shame
Vented as we dare to remember and to name
The acts and the ones who perpetrated
Violations so abhorred that we shattered.
Speaking up and out, an enormous act of courage
Facing our own inner shame, feeling discouraged
By dismissiveness and disbelief – our character blamed –
Or worse the lascivious savor of gossips’ gain
As others take pleasure; our pain for their fame.
No empathy, no compassion, only shame reframed.
But know this:
The day comes when we ourselves embrace,
And realize shame is the perpetrators’ disgrace.
Mind, body, and emotions fully recovered,
Love, faith, and trust in ourselves discovered.
Our own inner might and power uncovered,
We join others, lend our voices, break silence
And together we decry an end to the violence.
Rainbow states of healing the body through Divine Grace
Mental and energetic blocks dissolve, creating space.
Feelings of bliss arise as heaviness falls by the wayside.
Sitting in stillness, the experience enough that I decide:
No matter the weight of shadowed pain, I will venture on.
Feeling of release beyond all as I let go the fear within bone
It can’t hold back my determination as I choose to surrender
As yielding fully, I release what force couldn’t cast asunder.
No more fighting myself and no more do I apply force of will.
Allow the feelings to arise and accept what they reveal.
Revelations are the self discernments of inner transfiguration.
Changes made in blood and bone as old beliefs reach termination.
Ending of one thing opens space for another. Joy flows in. It fills up.
New understandings rush in. Mind, body, and emotions adjust
To the rainbow energies of the soul as self moves up and up. Rise,
Fly higher and higher while delving ever deeper. Then, surmise
The beauty that now surrounds comes not from circumstance,
But from flowing and surrender – the grace of my soul’s dance.