LIGHT BOUND, Ch. 8

The Altered State of Dreams

I had this incredibly vivid and disturbing dream many months after my awakening. In it I begged and pleaded with God, the archangels, angels, spirit guides, and ancestors to help me stop thinking and saying negative words. I asked that they be struck from my mind. Suddenly, I found myself in an arctic place. An angel appeared. He was both snake and man with green skin, strongly defined muscles, and an austere and forceful feel to him. He dwarfed me and frightened me. Then, he kissed me. My skin turned ice blue. The view widened, and I became aware that I was standing in front of a hotel in this town that was snow and ice covered, rundown, and dilapidated with doors and windows that were cracked and hanging off their frames, sagging porches, and rusted out cars on cinder blocks. 

Jumping ahead in the dream sequence: I was showering while a group of women spied on and laughed at me. I realized that the green serpent angel was searching for me as was my husband, who came into the hotel screaming and yelling my name over and over again. The hotel porch roof had circles painted on it, but the circles morphed into evil glyphs. 

Scared, I knew instinctively I didn’t want to be found as that would be bad. When my husband ran into the hotel room, I ran into the street with our two dogs and hid behind a broken down blue car as I tried to escape this town on foot dodging around buildings, cars, and junk. As I sped past the frozen town, a woman in a t-shirt sat with her adorable baby boy reading to him in the frozen outdoors. Neither had a breath as if they too were frozen. There were other frozen people, too. 

Then, I found myself in a watery grotto where everything was green and there was another green angel – a woman. She had hidden, but she came to tell me what type of healer she was. She gently kissed my mouth while we floated in a watery tunnel, healing me in some mysterious way. 

Finding myself back on the street, my husband who was still yelling, tackled me to the ground and held me down. He checked me over frantically, but the large serpent angel told him to get off me. My husband did, and the serpent angel knelt next to me and gave me a bucket which contained two phalluses. One was poop, and one was sperm. He told me to choose. 

You don’t need a psychology degree to get the gist. I could choose to rebirth myself, choose life, or I could continue to lead a life of shit, frozen in place.

 In case you are wondering, I chose the sperm. 

I wanted to live a life of joy and wonder.

I had many, many dreams, each with its own unique message to show me where I was stuck, what I needed to work on, or which direction to move towards or away. Often the dreams were incredibly realistic, sometimes terrifying, and sometimes loving and sweet. I usually awakened feeling as if I had been in a fight or run from something or feeling blissful. Each dream helped me understand a hidden part – my subconscious mind communicating with me in rather bizarre visuals that sometimes made zero sense until I looked them up. Dream meanings were spot on and interesting to say the least.

I once dreamed that my husband kissed an old woman sitting in a laundry basket. You might believe that he was cheating on me, but nope, that dream was totally unrelated to cheating.

Another dream, one that really made a huge change for me was the one where I was in a giant mansion, and I was very frightened. In this room in which I was standing there was a twin bed, a window, and several doors all of which I had locked with the exception of this one half-height door. Looking at that small door, I was filled with dread. Suddenly, this dark feminine-shaped shadow burst through the door, sprinted straight for me, and tackled me. As I fell backward onto the twin bed, the shadow entered me. I woke up quite freaked out. Again, you don’t need a degree to parse out the meaning.

The Shadow

When I first woke up, a lot of my visions during meditations and in dreams featured me at the bottom of a volcano, an enclosed place, the opening above that showed the night sky and a pool of water the only entrances into my space.  Sometimes these tiny little men, no bigger than my hand would be perched on the ledges of the cave walls, yelling rude things and blowing raspberries at me.

Sometimes other fantastical beings joined me there. Sometimes the other beings would toss me up into the night sky to meet other beings, who came to heal me, to show me something, or to teach me something. 

The shadow side had come to teach me its inherent wisdom. 

The dark helps the light shine brighter.

We all have a shadow side, the dark that we don’t want to acknowledge, but which stands beside our light, our outward personas, and how we see ourselves. The shadow thing we want to stomp down deep within ourselves, put a cover over, padlock, pour concrete, and forget. However, our darkness, our shadow is a tricky bit, seeping into our subconscious and conscious, whispering thoughts of what we really want to do, whispering our true unacknowledged feelings, and steering us towards those subconscious paths of behavior that we slip into when we are triggered or finding ourselves in a not conscious choice state or not in tune with our intuition. Those times when we are angry or down and catch ourselves saying and doing things almost on autopilot, like suddenly realizing we are standing in front of our refrigerator staring inside it, but not remembering walking over to it and opening the door.

Late night snacking, anyone? 

When I was sad or numb, I wanted to be comforted. At times I would crawl into bed and try to find oblivion in sleep. I was so down that I didn’t want to eat anything, feeling so drained that I would get up only to take my daughter to school and walk the dogs before crawling right back into bed. I then got up again to pick up my daughter from school and care for her and the house, make dinner, do laundry, and then want to go back to bed, utterly exhausted. 

Other times I would lie down, binge watch tv, and and mindlessly eat my way through a chocolate bar, a bowl of popcorn, or a bag of tortilla chips. I didn’t even taste what I was eating, comprehend what I was watching, or enjoy any part of the experience. It was more that I simply had something to do, a distraction.

Part of my problem was that I had so much unresolved, unacknowledged feelings and thoughts that I didn’t know how to even begin to process them in a healthy way. I really didn’t want to face the shadow. I lived my life as the happy, perfect mother, who took care of her daughter, supported her daughter, and put her focus on her family. All my other energy was put into making myself feel safe and secure, suppressing my shadow side and all it held.

During a meditation I discovered my volcano had expanded, and within it was a giant lake. My shadow me was in the water, staring at me, waiting to see what I would do. I reached out my hand slowly because I wasn’t sure what she was going to do either. My shadow is quite instinctual, almost animalistic, and rather fierce, a total ass-kicking kind of chick. I was a bit worried she might kick my ass, which is rather funny if you think about it. We often say, I kicked my own ass.

As I took my shadow’s hand, I came to a realization. She wanted to be embraced, acknowledged, and brought into the light. She wanted to be seen and understood, not feared, and definitely not buried. So we went water skiing – two sets of water skis, no boat. We zipped and twirled, and I began to smile because it was fun. At the end, I reached for her hand again, and slowly hugged her. Then, slowly she sank back into me. 

The purpose of this meditation was to teach me to stop being afraid of my own instincts and feelings. To stop repressing my shadow side, but get to know it. Face it. Own it and claim it.

Over the next several months, I often found myself hugging my shadow, learning to accept the wisdom that she holds; the feralness, the anger, the instincts all were information that I had heretofore ignored.

Once I began to work with instead of against this part of me, I skyrocketed forward with my intuitive work. I began to move towards things, people, and situations that were right for me and away from those that weren’t so very quickly and easily. It saved me a lot of headaches.

Chakra Connections

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