LIGHT BOUND, Ch. 17

 I got a golden heart but not a golden halo – I’m no angel.

When I first began healing, I actually believed that there would be this blinding flash of light, and I would hit that perfect moment when I would be fully healed and perfection in a body. 

Good googly moogly – did I get that one wrong.

It did finally dawn on me I would never be fully perfect in this body and for my Enneagram Type 1, perfectionistic ego brain, that was an ass-kicker to acknowledge. I have had so many moments of realizing this. I would hear it and a tiny bit more would sink in, but I never fully achieved it: my ego is really quite big about it. 

I must be perfect – such an exhausting and utterly ridiculous belief, but it is really deeply entrenched.

Each time I hear it anew, I experience a tiny stab of fear, even after four years of inner work, the ego can stick its nose in and try to boss me around: you must do it perfectly or else (someone will be disappointed, the world will end, someone will think less of you, etc., etc.). 

I like to remember Dory from “Finding Nemo” and her little song just keep swimming. However, my lyrics are “just keep breathing, just keep breathing, breathing, breathing, breathing.” 

The trick is not to hyperventilate.

I really and truly and deeply believed that I was here to “level” up as it were; to become a spiritually enlightened being to the very best of my ability – to chase perfection with my whole being, which is part of the trap of a Type 1 personality. I learned in many different ways that that is not the point of being in a body, of having a human experience. 

So, what is the purpose? 

I wasn’t apparently ready to hear it in the beginning, but Divine Source is like the Borg from Star Trek with a message that just keeps coming and coming after you.

The whole point is to BE. For me the message that I had been receiving from the very beginning, about which I had downloaded, journaled, and “magicked” was to just BE ME, all caps. 

I think DS was using shouty capitols because the lower case version be me wasn’t cutting it. Even with the shouty capitols, I was resisting.  

The “Star Trek” Borg pop into mind, “Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.” 

So, I am working on just being me, this perfectly imperfect being, who laughs like a hyena at imprecations, and loves rap music and twelve-year-old boy humor.

I really thought souls went to heaven or hell and angels sat on clouds and played harps and were all serious and well angelic. I didn’t know ghosts hung around us all the time. If you think earth is overpopulated, wait until you see the other side of things.

I receive experiences from all the beings, who visit to help me grow and sometimes just for fun – to laugh and enjoy a moment especially when I get too heavy under the weight of my ego and beliefs.

Each time I level up on my journey, I let something go, I bring something in, and always do I feel lighter and my light shines brighter, but truly my soul purpose is to manifest me here, to be the weird, wonderful self during this lifetime, to enjoy it to the fullest, to experience all that life has to offer, and to love myself.

It’s funny; I had this ideas about spiritually enlightened people as being serious, solemn, and buddha-like. The Dalai Lama essentially. Really, the only difference is that most of the spiritually enlightened people I know are just more aware, aware of themselves and their own schtick. 

So, even though my heart is golden, I certainly don’t have a halo, and my harp playing capabilities are nonexistent.

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