LIGHT BOUND, Ch. 18, Pt. 1

The Power of Meditation

What is power? 

There is so much power in the choices that I make. There is power in Reiki, crystals, Divine Source LIGHT. There is power in finding and maintaining balance.There is power in advocating for myself. 

For me fighting is natural. I had been fighting my whole life. Fighting for love, affection, understanding, fighting against unfairness, unkindness, and fighting through stress, depression, reactivity, and fear. However, allowing has also become more natural. Allowing others to give me presents, compliments, kindness, hugs, and love with easy acceptance. Allowing my subconscious to show me what I need to know, feel, or understand, and allowing my subconscious to communicate with me in the manner that it does through dreams, archetypes, and symbols.

My work has become about discerning the best method to move forward in my healing journey, in my practice, and in my life.

I can change my mind, change my emotions, change my behaviors: stop clenching my jaw, breathe into my belly all day long. However, until I change the beliefs about myself, nothing else changes no matter how desperate and willing I am. First, though, I have to discern what the beliefs are that are causing my tension; often, I need help to figure that part out.

My beliefs and emotions keep me stuck. It’s why I do therapy along with energy work because there is no simple answer, no light switch to just flick with my brain because believe me I would have handled all of this at the very beginning. Once I have altered the unconscious and underlying belief structures, everything is golden, like learning to walk. I just start doing it and can barely remember a time when I didn’t. Like an infant turning into a toddler, there are so many false starts, falls, bumps, wails, and tears – then I just cruise along and before I know it I’m running. 

It’s those in between stages on my journeys, those cusps that are so fucking hard because I know I almost have it, but it can be so frustrating trying to get to that new level of understanding. Then, boom, one day I suddenly get it. 

For me boundaries have been getting stronger and stronger, but I am at the stage where I am rather like a baby, who is moving from crawling to walking. I have been trying to pull myself up with whatever I can. Pulling myself up with the bookshelf and pulling books off the shelves is how I keep bumping up against what isn’t working. I need a good firm handhold that is stable before I can rise up. My beliefs are like the books on the bookshelf – if I pull them, they fall, and I fall with them. With each book I pull off the shelf, though, I get closer and closer to figuring out what doesn’t work. Eventually, I will just grab onto the shelf itself, but my baby mind just hasn’t quite figured it out yet. 

Yes, I am a middle-aged woman, and yes, I am quite intelligent, but some of my beliefs are so ingrained and so deep that they take a lot of work. Visualizing the whole process as me being a child learning to walk gives me patience and more compassion for myself because who berates a baby?

I spent time figuring out my boundaries; rings of closeness that I allow.  Concentric circles with me at the very center, my husband and daughter in the next ring, my dearest friends and husband’s family in the next, my tribe, and then everyone else. In visualizing, clarifying, and mentally labeling who I allowed into my life and to what degree, I began to set boundaries. By envisioning a bubble around myself, I was more and more easily able to tap into boundaries. What’s mine and what’s everyone else’s, which was another major turning point in my journey because before I took on everyone else’s stuff at the expense of myself. I put there comfort, needs, and wants above my own far more than I should have. 

Now, that I have better boundaries, I give freely, not resentfully. I choose how and what to give to others and that feels so much better.

Boundaries: My lingam is bigger than yours!

As I have had said, I have had a lot of bizarre meditation and dream experiences during my journey. Perhaps one of the best eyebrow-raising, jaw-dropping ones was when my dick dropped down. 

Yep, that’s right. 

I have a dick, a brontosaurus-sized one. 

You could say it has heft. It is a source of great amusement to me. Since I am in point of fact a woman, my dick is energetic and unfortunately invisible to most people. I’m not sure what the reactions would be if it were visible. When I messengered my mentor, I listed several emojis in a row because trying to process this entire meditation event was as I have said bizarro: shock, crazy, devil horns, and megawatt smile emoji-worthy. 

“I just gave birth to a brontosaurus-sized lingam. I think it might be bigger than yours.”

My mentor’s response, “Keep it off the ground and keep it clean.”

You know you have found a fellow tribeswoman when you can say weird shit and be totally supported, and they’ll fire weird shit right back at you.

Truly, though the lingam, or energy dick as I like to call it, is just another symbol. It’s all about boundaries. 

I had finally begun to figure out mine and employ them in my life.