From Beginning to End – That Isn’t an End
From the beginning I have always worked on myself, looking within myself to fix me because one of the core tenants was that I was what was wrong and everything that happened to me was my fault. This belief stayed with me, and it was another huge part of the problem because I wasn’t at fault or responsible for what happened to me as a kid, but I am responsible for me as an adult. From the beginning of my spiritual awakening, I received the same messaging over and over again.
Perfect love and perfect trust.
I kept putting that perfect love and perfect trust outside of myself, interpreting the messaging through the lens of trauma, which kept me stuck. The message’s true meaning was that I needed to have that perfect love and perfect trust in myself.
I spent months saying mantras: I am powerful. I am valuable. I am worthy. I am deserving. I am unconditionally loved and deserve unconditional love. I spent years healing my body energy, releasing so much and filling up more. I spent years researching to try to understand C PTSD, trauma, the human brain, energy, the power of belief, the nature of reality, forgiveness, and healing.
I took the time to write all of the things that are important to me, beliefs, people, concepts, places, and things. I wrote down as many key belief structures that I held as I could and then began to determine if those belief structures were really helping or hindering me. I looked at how each belief helped me; what I gained by it and what I lost, even the negative ones. I made a lot of different choices in what I wanted to hold onto. Often, I just needed to reframe my beliefs; open instead of closed ended beliefs as in I am open to receive all the good and positive things the world has to offer, rather than I need to close myself off to keep myself safe.
The best belief reframe was from life as punishment to experiencing life: all I am doing on this planet is experiencing, and I decide what my experience is. It changed everything from a life of gray drudgery to a life of limitless possibilities, control over my destiny, and a rainbow of color (hope, contentment, enjoyment, passion, and light). I choose what I love to do (helping others to heal, creativity, family, fun, learning, and community).
Through all of that research I learned a lot, but some of the most important understandings came from meditating. Meditation refined my journey, helped to guide me on my path, and opened me up to change in very important ways. The symbols, the archetypes, and the meditation journeys fast forwarded my mind if you will to key locations (mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual) that I needed to address. Meditation was also crucial in showing me the best way or ways to heal what needed to be healed within me. Often the meditation itself was the healing process.
Many archetypal beings joined my meditations. Looking up the spiritual meaning of the beings pointed to the understanding because the words simply clicked – THIS. This is what you need to understand, see, feel, heal. Most of what I was doing was surrendering. I surrendered myself and my will. When I allowed rather than willed a release, it was easy. When I tried with all of my might to will a release, I paradoxically held onto it all the tighter because release does not yield to will, it yields to yielding. I open, I stand in my own power, and I let go when I am ready and not before.
Being ready usually meant some belief reversals, which was part of my therapy. It meant owning my feelings, my memories, and my reactivity; digging deep to mine out the dross so that I could find the gold within.
Letting go of familial relationships was one of the hardest parts of my journey. Breaking the bonds that kept me bound in unhealthy ways of being. Part of the hardness was no longer having any familial connections, the adult orphan, who has no tribe, whose inner child fears abandonment because some part of the hind brain truly believes that without those connections we will in fact die.
It took a lot of inner work to get past that unconscious dual state of longing for and fearing death and loneliness. One of the meditations that I did took me to a “place” of my ancestors. The vision began with me getting into this salt water bath with this black, see-through person, who I knew was male. He held my hands with great gentleness and kindness. Then, I “dissolved” into the water into particles, and we flew to this energy space out in the universe. It was a dark place that had “light clouds” of white, pink, yellow, orange, and tannish colors with hands reaching out to “embrace” me in a way, to show me that I am not alone. It was the most loving and peaceful feeling: the souls of my ancestors, countless hands reaching out of these lovely clouds.
A few weeks later my meditation was a download of symbols in electric light blue.
< I Λ Z
< (Kenaz): Fire, illuminating that which is hidden (knowledge, wisdom, insight, creativity)
I (Isa): A challenge, a frustration, a time to turn inward to wait for what is to come, or to seek clarity
Λ (Lamda): Wavelength of a ray/photon/light, and represents the scales and thus balance. Energetically see a balance, unity, light of knowledge shed into the darkness of ignorance, and energy change in physics.
Z (Zeta): Power of thunderbolt that is charging earth. The meaning of life and the universe and ALL. It shows the limits of the human mind. Plus, it is in the constellation of the Ursa Major, the bear and means to turn inward (cave, hibernate).
Downloading energy information helped me enormously with understanding what was going on – researching meanings either in books or meditating on a particular symbol, archetype, or image helped me to make a lot of connections that moved me forward on my journey, sometimes slowly and sometimes by leaps.
If you would like to learn more and begin and refine your own journey, I offer spiritual mentoring. You can learn more at www.sacredjourneyswithash.com