LIGHT BOUND, Ch. 20, Pt. 2

Moving Forward

Movement is life. When we are able to move forward, we feel better. Being stuck feels bad; we feel constrained, and our thoughts and emotions spin as we struggle to figure out how to get out of a situation, place, relationship, job, or feeling. Often when I have been in such a place, I couldn’t even see that I had options, or I perceived that the options that I had were awful. I worried and spun, sinking deeper and deeper into a pit of upheaval. 

Once I chose, however, I always felt better instantly or within a very short time. Forward motion and momentum are always something I have striven for, but what I didn’t realize is that sometimes the best and fastest way forward was simply to sit still, to be still within, and to let my subconscious guide me and help me process the mental, emotional, and physical components to whatever situation I found myself. 

Inner stillness for me was and still is really difficult at times. Inner discomfort of PTSD reactivity can rip me apart inside, and the more still I try to become the more uncomfortable my mind, emotions, and body. It took work, deep, inner work, which was incredibly hard to be able to get to a place that I could sit with myself when I struggle or am uncomfortable, but the rewards are huge. 

Not only did I change, but people around me changed. As I healed an issue, the ones I loved also began to heal that same issue. I didn’t work on them, I worked on me, but they still healed with me doing absolutely nothing in regards to them. I find this amazing.

Staying Present

For the largest part of my journey, I just couldn’t comprehend that my brain isn’t me, that my thoughts aren’t me, that my emotions aren’t me, and that my past isn’t me. 

Yes, all of these things are part of me, but they aren’t the whole of me. 

The me, my essential self isn’t in my brain, my thoughts, my emotions, or my past. Me is now. Me is breathing, seeing, hearing, smelling, touching, and tasting in the present moment. Me is relaxed. Me is just being, like an animal. 

If you watch your dog or cat or any animal really, you can observe them go into a trance-like state. They aren’t sleeping, they are just completely relaxed and aware, but not concerned with anything. They are just being, and they slip into that state so easily.

We, too, are animals, but our brains get in our way, or if you like, our egos. My ego was trying to protect me by running programs and playing patterns that I learned early on would keep me safe, but I’m not a kid anymore, and I’m not in those situations anymore. 

Once I accomplished pattern and program destruction, it was a matter of figuring out what I wanted, truly wanted that was in alignment with my essential self, and then doing it. I prioritized it, asked for help with it, and got jazzed about it. 

When I put my attention on something and am excited about it, I get after it and often it just flows so well.

Another way to get after something and allowing flow to move me forward easily is to meditate. I know, I know. I’m harping.

It really is one of the best ways though that I have found for rewiring my brain, de-stressing – not worrying, not freaking out, not being anxious, and learning to not put stock in everyone else’s thoughts, feeling , opinions, etc., including my own. 

Trippy, right?

Meditate? What does it even mean? 

There are lots of ideas floating out there: 

Star Wars Yoda: “Clear your mind. Use the force”

Star Trek Vulcans: “Focus on the candle flame.”

Buddhist: “Focus on the breath.”

Yogi: chant “Om.”

In the beginning I seriously struggled with meditation. I mean, Yoda is awesome, but let’s face it, he had an awesome writer. Spock had an advantage from the get go: no emotional reactions, which probably makes meditating way easier. Focusing on my breath – well, I apparently had the attention span of a fly, and chanting om just made my mouth dry and my throat sore.

I am an in-your-head kinda girl: I can run up to ten hamster wheels all at once. One would think with that amount of mental exercise my brain would be in peak condition, as in IRONMAN athlete status. 

Sadly,  it’s the opposite. The Vulcans totally had the right of it – you must discipline your mind. My mind had to go to bootcamp: “drop and give me 20, maggot” type of bootcamp, which might actually have been easier because I could at least be pissed at the drill sergeant.

However, since I was my own drill sergeant, I decided to go with counting my breaths. A cycle of breath (in and out) was a count of one. My goal was ten. At first I could only get to the count of six before a thought popped in, which according to the instructions I had read in this book, you had to start over. Boy, that annoyed the crap out of me, which of course, made meditating harder because you’re supposed to be calm and blank. I was more like the Bugs Bunny Yo Sammity Sam character when things weren’t going well in meditation, but I kept on trying.

Eventually, I hit the goal. Then, I moved on to thirty seconds, a couple of minutes, five minutes, ten minutes. I discovered having meditation music playing in the background really helped and sometimes listening to a guided meditation helped even more. I am currently working on ten and occasionally twenty-minute meditation sessions. Some days are great and some days, I just have to keep returning to the breath over and over as my mind keeps trying to interject. 

Seriously, you have no idea how bossy and nosy my brain is!

What I have discovered from the repeated attempts to meditate is that there is no one way or right way. Try them all, cycle through them, stand on your head, do yoga, visualize getting a neck and shoulder massage by a Swedish masseur while someone cleans your house, cooks your dinner, and folds your laundry to start out. I have to say that this visualization is pretty awesome until you open your eyes and still see the pile of laundry. 

If I could have a real super power, it would be the one that instantly had all house chores done.

Meditation relaxing is so fantastic because when we relax we can get into flow with ourselves, and flow allows us to problem solve, figure out priorities, feel really good and peaceful, and have more capacity to deal with the crap that can creep into our lives.

I found meditation to be a chore at first, just one more thing I had to do. Now, I find it to be a moment for me when I can let everything go and just be. 

If you enjoyed this post and found it helpful, you can check out other writings on my website. If you are on the spiritual path, and would like help to understand more deeply yourself, inner and outer connections to all that is, and self healing, please reach out. I offer spiritual mentoring, healing sessions, guided meditation sessions, past life journey sessions, ancestral line healing, and Reiki classes. All sessions and classes are on-line, and help you connect more deeply within and without and move forward in your life and on your spiritual path. Learn more at

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